How to end sexual harassment

It seems that many the issue of sexual harassment has become a big one in recent years. Since the Anita Hill-Clarence Thomas proceedings sexual harassment in the workplace and on public streets has become a big deal.  From reading various feminist blogs, I totally get that a woman should be able to dress however she wants without having an obnoxious guy come up to her and annoy her or ask her out (with the hopes of sleeping with her) just because she is dressed in a certain way.

Okay this is a solution, for what it’s worth. According to Dr. Warren Farrell in the audio version of his landmark book “The Myth of Male Power”, a woman who is approached way in a crude by a man who she finds annoying or offensive should communicate with the man. Farrell states a woman should “Tell the man directly, privately  how it makes you feel less valued as a human being. Almost every women Farrell knows who has approached a man in this way has found the man apologizing.

Okay better yet read on a blog  pertaining to this very issue that a woman who just wants to be left alone and is approached by a man should just act crazy. Acting crazy is also the easiest way to get away from someone who could cause harm. The commentator goes on to say that she knows a fairly small woman who literally acts crazy if she feels she’s in a vulnerable situation. She play-acts talking to herself, shouting, rocking back and forth. It drives guys away.  The majority of men do not want to get involved with someone who’s crazy.

Finally, as a man I have learned this “yes means yes, no means no”.  I want to emphasize that no means no!  For years, societal norms have put the onus on the man as the pursuer. The man should risk rejection. Even men who are shy have to risk rejection asking women out. I know there are plenty of women nowadays who ask men out. However, I still think the onus is on men to ask the woman out. Dr. Farrell, states that this was for evolutionary purposes as a guidepost so women can see how persistent men were to overcome her many “no’s”. The mindset being that the man who could overcome the woman’s many objections would be the strongest protector/providers for the family unit. So I say this to my fellow men, if you have the courage to ask a lady out, and she says “no”, that is the end of it! No means no. No more overcoming female objections. Once a woman says the first no to a date, end it and leave the situation. You not only are respecting yourself but respecting the woman as well. The game of “Hard to get” is over.

 

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7 responses to “How to end sexual harassment”

  1. Lily says :

    The game of “hard to get” is definitely over with the way women put it all out there nowadays! I agree a woman should be allowed to dress however she likes and be respected. This means, hands off and no means no if you ask her out. As far as being stared at, you asked for it! If I wear a low cut dress I know I am going to get comments on my dolphin tattoo. I am not going to berate you for staring at my breasts. Nor am I going to be offended that you noticed. Other women have said things to me such as, “can you believe he was staring at your boobs!?” I am like, “hello, I would be offended if he wasn’t.”

    Many women want both ways. They use “girly powers” to get what they want: free drinks, dinner, bugs killed, stuff off the top shelf, doors opened and heavy things carried. Fine. No problem. But then on the equality front don’t go carrying your signs and being all pissed off that chivalry is dead. I understand where men are left feeling confused. Perplexed even angry. What I can say is the rules vary from woman to woman. You can be equal but still like a little of the gushy stuff. Best rule of thumb, ask. Don’t assume every woman is the same and for God’s sake stop being pussy about it. Open a door or if you feel that might be offensive…USE YOUR WORDS!

    I agree women can ask men out but in general guys should do the asking. This isn’t a sexist thing, this is a base instinct you tend to be more shallow than us thing. Based on looks alone most of you are either interested or not and will pursue or you won’t. I am not saying go for it time and time again after the “no” but be clear. It is exhausting and makes women NUTS the way everything is vague now. Is it a date or is it not a date? Should I offer to pay my part? Should I dress up? Everything is “hanging out” now. Man up! Ask me out! And women, if you think it’s coy, you are lame! If you wanna go say yes, period. Don’t play maybes, rescheduling crap. Go or don’t go, stop ruining it for the rest of us.

    And yes, men can be sexually harassed. If you work for a married man, don’t dress like a hooker. Stop making the workplace difficult for him and be kind to his wife. As women we need to start respecting other women. Be helpful, not harmful when it comes to relationships.

    • samuel2112 says :

      Lily, great response much food for thought. You implied brilliantly that women can sexually harass men by dressing suggestive and being a sort of “cocktease”. This is exactly how men feel. You were right on. Women can sexually harass men, For example, I know some Christian men who are genuinely attempting not to sexually objectify women and be more pure. However, even women in some Churches still dress lewd or suggestive. This can harm men.

      I disagree when you wrote “I agree women can ask men out but in general guys should do the asking. This isn’t a sexist thing, this is a base instinct you tend to be more shallow than us thing. Based on looks alone most of you are either interested or not and will pursue or you won’t. I am not saying go for it time and time again after the “no” but be clear. It is exhausting and makes women NUTS the way everything is vague now. Is it a date or is it not a date? Should I offer to pay my part? Should I dress up? Everything is “hanging out” now. Man up! Ask me out! And women, if you think it’s coy, you are lame! If you wanna go say yes, period. Don’t play maybes, rescheduling crap. Go or don’t go, stop ruining it for the rest of us”

      Women are just as shallow as men these days. Look at all the women going after “Alpha males” or women that have calendars with muscular males on their wall. Look how popular chippendales was.
      Why should men have to risk the rejection or risk the initial asking out. This is 2011, feminism has made an impact, it is high time for women to start asking men out. I love it and I know many men love when a woman asks them out. Some of the best dates I have been on has been the result of a woman asking me out.

      I do agree that men should have more courage in communicating to women. If a man expects a woman to pay half on a first or second date, he should communicate that first with the woman and see if she is traditional or not.
      I believe both genders should pay half on a date, as I know many feminists do as well. Whether a man asks a woman out or a woman asks a man out, both both sexes need to “man up” or should I say in modern feminist lingo “woman up”

  2. Rachel A. Hanson says :

    Definitely an interesting post. Overall, I agree with your stance that open communication is the best way to stave off unwanted attention. One of the best posters I’ve seen from the Slut Walk movement is “my dress is not a yes.” This is an idea that should be strictly adhered to!

    I would also agree that men can be sexually harassed by women, but I don’t think that wearing specific types of clothes qualifies as sexual harassment. Specifically, if I’m out at a club wearing something more revealing than I normally would, I don’t think that constitutes harassment. If I’m dancing in front of some guy with my ta-ta’s in his face (or some other sort of unwanted provacative behavior) I would say that definitely constitutes sexual harassment.

    One thing that I would metion in terms of taking the man aside to talk to him is that you should only do that if you feel safe doing so. There are some guys out there that you should probably not take to the side. If that’s the case (and you don’t want to act like a crazy lady) then a well placed, “No thank you, I’m not interested,” when you’re with your friends should work just as well. If not, at least your friends are there to back you up.

  3. samuel2112 says :

    Rachel, I agree good point on that just wearing a specific type of clothing qualifies as sexual harassment. As you indicated from a previous poster on The Slut Walk, “My Dress Is Not A Yes”. As you mentioned in your own example, there is a big difference between a woman at a club dancing in front of a guy with her breasts in his face and just wearing revealing clothing. The latter may not be considered sexual harassment.

    However, if a woman expresses that she does not want to be sexually objectified by men and she wears clothes that are revealing then I feel the woman is being a hypocrite. Like the above poster Lili said, “She wants it”.
    One thing I will say as a man is that we are very visual and we have a very strong sex drive.Many women know this inasmuch as I have heard women lamenting that “all men are pigs”. For many men the constant sexual urge is actually annoying.I have heard many men say sometimes it feels like women are inadvertently harassing us by dressing sexy and teasing us. So I say to women Rachel, help us men out and dress conservatively, unless you desire to be sexually objectified by men.

    • Rachel A. Hanson says :

      I have to say, I don’t entirely agree with you. Rather, there’s an extremely prevalent idea that men are visual creatures and women are not. But because of the society we live in women are really successful in repressing their visual natures, where men are encouraged. So yes, I think women should normally dress modestly, but I think that men also need to work toward overcoming those base instincts and “evolve” into a higher plane.

      And I would also say that while religion can be helpful, it’s certainly not the only way. That would be assuming that men and women that are non-religious cannot behave in appropriate ways, which is certainly not the case. I believe that we’ve all been blessed with a certain level of intelligence and using that to respect others (and ourselves) is critical.

  4. Andrea Muhrrteyn says :

    We have no sexual harrassment in my culture (Radical Honesty). In my culture — founded on a social contract of brutal honesty and committment to remaining in the conversation until disputes are resolved – men and women are very honest with each other. If a man is attracted to a woman, he says so: to her face; same with women. If he is attracted and wants to have sex; he says so; same with women. If the person is interested in having sex, they discuss how or when, and if not; they appreciate the compliment and attention.

    No big deal… Your culture of men and women obsessed with lying to each other and deceiving each other, is tearing you apart. Instead of addressing the root causes (hypocrisy and lies on both sides), you hypocritically blame each other.

  5. Lint says :

    “I have to say, I don’t entirely agree with you. Rather, there’s an extremely prevalent idea that men are visual creatures and women are not. But because of the society we live in women are really successful in repressing their visual natures, where men are encouraged. So yes, I think women should normally dress modestly, but I think that men also need to work toward overcoming those base instincts and “evolve” into a higher plane.”

    As a healthy, red-blooded heterosexual female I wish men would present themselves more as sexual objects in our society. I won’t harrass them but I’d love to see some eye candy when I go out, instead of the usual slobs.

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